Rebuilding The Life You Want

Hey guys! Happy November! Shit is CRAZY! How is the year almost over? Well, hold onto your butts, because these next two months are going to be gone in a BLINK!

This week I wanted to talk about the positive sides to starting over if you’re like me and you’ve found yourself somewhere you thought you’d never be. Well, we’re here now so let’s not do this alone, quiet, or in self-pity. We’re better than that.

The truth is that we never think we are going to have to start over when we’re 40, but another truth is that we don’t always have control over things that happen in the periphery of our lives. It’s so interesting how much control we think we have until the world decides to show us who’s really the boss. For those of you who are experiencing this around the Holidays, you’ve got this. This too shall pass, and life will be better than before in no time at all.

This recently happened to me, and I know it has happened to a lot of you as well. Just know that you aren’t alone, and navigating a new chapter is always going to feel tricky in the beginning. You’re going to feel the ebbs and flows of this new journey, whatever it looks like to you.

I have created a list of thoughts that have helped me through some pretty rough patches, and I wanted to give it to you in hopes that it might offer you some peace this week. Some may find their way into your heart, and you may just thing some of them are fucking stupid. BUT they helped me find happiness amongst rubble and rebuild and are slowly helping me find myself in the peculiar world of the unknown.

1. Your growth is going to be disguised underneath a lot of unfamiliar movements and change. Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together (one of my favorite Marilyn Monroe quotes), and sadly that means gain comes from loss. Maybe that looks like having to skip your annual girls’ trip that you’ve taken for the past 6 years (Hi, that’s me), or maybe it looks more like a lot of time by yourself when you’re not used to it. Whatever you’re struggling with, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel and you’ve got this!
2. You’re going to grieve your old life and old self when nostalgia and good memories pop up, and that might also bring feelings of regret or feeling like you’ve backed yourself into a corner. Allow yourself to embrace the nostalgia and good feelings, but also allow yourself to be excited that you get to live in the unknown. Life needs a good referb every now and again, and you were due. Just give it time. You’re going to love this new chapter as soon as you allow yourself to start creating new memories to be able to reminisce on years later. Today will eventually be a day that you look back on and think, “wow, I moss those days.”
3. Eventually, you’re going to have to accept your losses and be as much at peace with them as you can be. I know it might feel impossible, because you worked so hard to create the life you thought you were creating, but sometimes we get it wrong and that’s how we grow. Maybe you lost a pet in the breakup, your favorite couch, or your simple life. Time heals, and time allows you another gift: perspective. Growth sucks, but experiences help connect us with people who are in similar situations, and you’d be surprised who you connect with when you’re ready to open up. Just go with it and when you feel resentful, start a gratitude practice.
4. Uncertainties are where the most profound transformations are birthed. I haven’t had to ‘figure it out” for a long time, which has been smooth sailing. On the contrary, instead of growing and evolving we can often find ourselves stuck in the worst form of limbo. Otherwise known as complacency. When you look back, try and be honest with yourself about the shoe you’ve been trying to force to fit. It never fits. It never matched the other shoe. And it’s time to lean into uncertainties. After all, that’s where surprises come from, don’t they? I can’t wait to hear about your first surprises that came from taking a leap of faith into uncertainty and what it taught you!
5. Your old dreams might not reflect what your new dreams are, or what they’re starting to become. It’s okay to do a little swapping around with goals and aspirations when the background of your life has completely changed. In fact, it’s actually exciting when you let yourself start from a means of scratch. We also tend to build our dreams around those around us, and when they’re not there anymore we can tend to feel lost or out of sorts. Jump on Pinterest and start a ‘New Chapter Board’ and cherry pick what still fits and what doesn’t. I mean, how often do we get to cherry pick our lives? Only when we’re single and don’t have anyone to answer to. LIVE IT UP! People actually pray for this, so let’s take it for what it is… a fresh start.
6. There’s no book for this new chapter that can explain it all or prepare you for those dark moments, but when those moments arise have a plan. Maybe that looks like keeping an envelope with cash for an emergency ‘Barnes and Nobles’ run to cheer yourself up. Maybe that looks like gardening or walking your dog. Whatever it is that boosts your endorphins, kick ‘em up and let ‘em loose. Just keep in mind what automatically makes you smile and keep it in your back pocket.
7. Those nig breakthrough moments don’t need an audience. Stop worrying about updating everyone on your new life, and making it look better than it really is. This chapter was meant for your eyes only. The sooner you learn to grow quietly and not look for external congratulations or approval, that faster life gives you back your self-assurance. We can think for ourselves without needing a thumbs up from people we haven’t spoken to in years.
8. The smaller, most private moment is when you’ll grow that fastest. For me, it’s early morning when it’s still dark outside and my thoughts are all that surround me. The entire house is still sleeping (except for the damn rooster, that bitch is up at 4 every morning) and I’ve got emptiness to channel my thoughts. Listen when your mind tries to speak to you, because it knows a lot more than you give it credit for.
9. The people from your old life aren’t all going to accept the new you that you’re becoming. They may start to grieve you, and heck… you may start to grieve the old you. The thing is, that’s just not you anymore and who wants to go backwards anyways? It’s okay to miss the old you, but once you realize you were never lost, just evolving, magic happens. It’s a metamorphosis and sometimes when you grow wings, the people who don’t want those same wings will stay walking. And that’s okay. Let them be. Let it be. Just keep swimming.
10. You don’t have to FEEL strong to BE strong. I’ll say that again… You don’t have to FEEL strong to BE strong. Just because you feel like you’re failing doesn’t actually mean you’re failing. Likely, you’re freaking killing it and it means you have high expectations of yourself. When you look back on some of the hardest times of your life, I bet you felt small and weak and like you were drowning. But you didn’t drown, did you? Nope. You pushed your way through all of the hard stuff, and you figured it out as you went. WE CAN DO HARD THINGS. We can, and we must. Sometimes we forget how capable we are.

We are all fighting silent battles, but I hope this week’s letter makes you feel like you’ve got a friend who is going through it right with you. A friend who also can’t afford that vacation, who can’t find it in her to do her make up on your days off, and who is slowly picking up the pieces of who she wants to be now that she has the opportunity to rebuild again. Remodeling can be fun, especially when it’s on the most important project of your life: YOU!

You’ve. Got. This. You always have, you just needed someone to remind you, you silly goose. Don’t forget who you are, girl! You’ve got sunshine on a cloudy day, when it’s cold outside you’ve got the month of May. Remember how freaking cool and capable you are! There it is… you’re starting to remember who you are.

Alright, gotta go let the puppy out. I hope this potty-training thing kicks in soon. Gah. Love ya.’ Mean it.’

XOXO

Jena

This week’s song: https://open.spotify.com/track/745H5CctFr12Mo7cqa1BMH?si=33eda849029d4fa5