Hey Girl, Hey!

I wanted to touch on something that is new to me, and new to a lot of you girls. Feeling lonely. Feeling like there is a lack of people who are around to just simple listen… because let’s face it, sleeping clients don’t exactly make the best conversationalists. And something that is new to me… or new again to me that is: Living alone. YIKES! It sounds so scary when you first accepted that this is going to be your near future, but if this is something that you’re going experiencing or planning for and you’re super nervous, I thought that I should share some tips that have helped me get used to such a quiet… solitary… still home. Making a half pot of coffee was a really weird thing to get used to, as well as learning not to be scared to be alone at night. Maybe you’re newly single, newly divorced, or you’re moving out of your parent’s place for the first time. This is such a big deal… like BIG, big. Congratulations are in order. You did it! I’m so excited for you! This is an experience that is on so many peoples’ bucket lists, and you are so lucky that you get to experience it. Just… wow.

Whether this happened by choice or by chance, just understand that the confusion and boredom or whatever other emotions that keep surfacing will subside and you are going to shift into a new version of yourself that will change you for the better. The bad feelings are temporary, and soon enough this will be your new normal and you will never want to look back. You’re going to be okay. I promise.

I wanted to share 10 things that have helped me settle into this new phase of life, and I hope it helps you do the same. Hopefully these answer a few questions that you’ve been too embarrassed to bring up. I want to add that, yes, I have a 10-year-old daughter that lives with me full time, but I am a mother who works from home and it’s boring as hell sometimes. She’s also at school during the day which leaves me with a lot of ‘what now’ moments. I want to acknowledge that living completely by yourself is more of a challenge, but I believe in you. You’re amazing and you can do this.

ONE: There is going to be an uncomfortable, confusing, and boring adjustment period. You aren’t going to know what to do with yourself and this is when you’ll likely experience waves of grief and overwhelm. Try to remember who you were a few years back and remind yourself what used to make to happy. Writing, reading, photography, painting, gardening… What did you used to love doing and forgot about during your last relationship? So often, during long term relationships we can lose our old selves that we still love. When you become newly single after a long relationship, it’s easy to realize that you have completely lost yourself and forgot who you are. Tapping back into your artistic side will remind you who you are and bring back moments of nostalgia. Nothing heals sadness like nostalgia.  

TWO: Set a budget as soon as you can. When you’re gifted with so much extra time, you’ll find that you accidentally spend that time spending a lot of money to keep busy. Track your expenses and write down your ‘project wish list’ so that you can be sure that keeping yourself busy doesn’t exceed what you can afford. Have fun starting Pinterest boards and creating Amazon wish lists so that you can prioritize where your money is going to go after each paycheck. And don’t forget to budget for two savings accounts: one for emergencies and one for the future.

THREE: Join Facebook Groups! I have joined several women only Facebook groups that share tips and advice on things that I love! My local backyard chicken group is HYSTERICAL, and I have found handymen and sourdough starter people in my local gardening group. It’s been surprisingly uplifting to chat with local women about my hobbies. Similarly to Facebook groups, subscribing to YouTube Channels that interest me has helped keep my mind busy, too! YouTube feels so much more personal, and I don’t even find myself watching Hulu or Netflix anymore. Those two things have been a godsend.

FOUR: If you can, get a pet. If you can’t get a furry pet, get a fish. If you can’t get a fish, get a plant. If you kill every plant, get a philodendron and set a timer every other week to water her. Even if you take a baby step and commit to one plant, there is something about adding life to your house that makes it feel like a home. But if you can, get a furry pet. If you’re gone all day at work, cats do great with a fellow buddy cat, even if you’re gone 10-12 hours a day. I know there are two kitties at your local shelter that were meant to be your fur babies, and you won’t believe how much joy and laughter and entertainment animals can bring into your life. If you work from home and want to go full throttle and get a dog, even better. I’ve got three dogs, and two of them came to me post break up. They help you feel complete and give you a purpose or reason to get up when you’re feeling blue.

FIVE: Create a morning, evening, and weekly routine. It doesn’t have to be anything overwhelming, but it helps give you a purpose for the day and you’ll forget way less. Mornings: Coffee, read, gym, shower, Evenings: Tidy your home, check emails, walk the dog. Thursdays you do laundry, and on Wednesdays we wear pink… just kidding. Or not… that would actually be funny. All jokes aside, routines help you remember to lock your door as soon as you walk in and put your keys exactly where they go… every time… because you don’t have someone to help you locate your keys every morning anymore.

SIX: Commit to starting something new… or old… or BOTH. I committed to reading a book a month AND I pulled out my camera for the first time consistently in years. I have found that when I commit to a long-term project, like a painting or a garden project, it keeps me busy for a long time. You meet new people, remember things that used to bring you joy, and most importantly, you’re going to keep busy. This is a running theme when you love alone; You get bored a lot. Keep busy.

SEVEN: Stock up on things and keep a shopping list on apps. There is nothing worse than waking up with the stomach flu and not having saltine crackers or realizing at 11:00 pm that you’re out of tampons. Keep that list on the Target and Grocery Store app ongoing so you can add to it immediately when you remember something. Get in the habit of adding to your list the moment you realize it’s running low. Yesterday I would have forgotten Half and Half if it weren’t on my Target list. That could have been depressing.

EIGHT: Which brings me to my next tip… Make friends with your neighbors, and eventually choose someone you trust to give a copy of your key to for emergencies. You can offer to be their emergency neighbor, too, if you’d like. No matter how perfect you are at your routine there will be a morning that you forget to unplug your curling iron because you get a phone call that completely throws your morning off. Maybe you can’t remember if you left the stove on, or you’re in a fender bender that’s going to take hours, and your dog needs to be let out. Things like this are going to happen.

NINE: Safety seems like a nice segway from my last tip but living by yourself as a single mother who’s protects little angels, this should be a small investment to consider. I have a ring doorbell at my front and back door, as well as indoor cameras in my home to check on my animals. For such a small investment, it can bring a lot of security.

TEN: Do things as you go. My grandmother expressed to us throughout my childhood that a messy house makes a messy mind, and she’s so right. You’ll feel clear and free when your home is in order. Clean and tidy as you go. When you make a meal, clean as you cook and do your dishes immediately after eating. When the dryer beeps at you, fold the laundry and put it away. When a bill comes, pay it. When we are triggered by a big stressor, all of the little stressors pile up at once and suddenly life feels like ‘too much.’ I can’t tell you how much your entire life will change if you decide to put in the extra 5 minutes 4 times a day. Something else we do is a nightly routine of speed cleaning. I set the timer for 10 minutes, and we clean, tidy, or organize something.  When the timer goes off, we finish our current task, and the next one if it’s quick, then start our bedtime routine. I could never apply the ‘do as you go’ when I lived with another adult, and I can’t tell you why. But this has made me really look forward to mornings, because I wake up to a tidy home.

Alright, gotta’ go and do something. I’ve been sitting on my ass for three hours typing. Love ya’. Mean it.

Jena