The One About Not Feeling Worthy

Gobble freakin’ Gobble. Happy Thanksgiving for those of you who celebrate, and happy ‘Holy crap, the year is almost gone…’ for those who don’t. Even for those of you who don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, this week’s topic is going to be about knowing our worth, and inadvertently ended up segwaying into gratitude, guilt, and the reasons why we may feel not worthy of all that we have been blessed with. But my question for you guys: Does the fact that you have more than most people mean that it’s selfish to ask for more than you have?

It’s funny that this topic fell on the week that we are supposed to feel gratitude, because it’s the root of why I feel not worthy of ‘extra’ things sometimes. It isn’t because I don’t feel like I can have it, or even that I shouldn’t. It has more to do with prayer and asking God for something that he might think I don’t necessarily deserve. Or maybe he will judge me for asking for more, even though I already have more than most people. Or maybe I have missed the whole point of gratitude and I’ve been too busy looking at what I want and focusing on what I am asking for, rather than being grateful for what I have.

 A few months ago, I brought this up in my weekly woman’s bible study, so I thought I would share this dilemma it with you. This topic that happened to circle back to gratitude also just happened to fall on the week of Thanksgiving, so I decided to leave it, because… well… isn’t that divine intervention or kismet? I think so.

So, should we feel guilty? Is it wrong to splurge on an expensive West Elm shower curtain instead of giving that money to a school or homeless shelter? The truth is… I don’t know. I don’t know if that is something we should struggle with, but it must mean that we have Jiminy Cricket in our ear. I don’t know the answer to that question, or if what I have come up with is an appropriate ‘end all, be all,’ but I’m sort of at peace with it. Whatever that means.

I don’t tithe. I don’t give 10% of my income to my church, and I also don’t give 10% of my income to any type of charity. I do, however, donate regularly to my daughter’s school and try and keep the playing fields level; If I receive something wonderful, I pay something forward to someone else. Maybe I’ll leave a $20 tip at Dutch Bros, or I’ll do something that will give someone pause to have gratitude. A few weeks ago, someone was very rude to a gas station attendant for a mistake that the customer had clearly made, so I decided to take her back to Starbucks because that’s where I was headed next. I told her that I saw how that woman had spoken to her, and how she handled it so gracefully. I also reminded her that she didn’t deserve to be treated like, and she that she probably took the brunt of that bitch’s bad day. On a different day a few months ago, I saw a homeless man near my work, and watched someone treat him like he didn’t exist. It reminded me that none of us know our future or what unfortunate events can fall upon any of us at any given moment. It reminded me that this could be me or someone I love one day, and it gave me a lump in my throat. If something ever happened to any of my children, I don’t know where that would put me in my business, in my life… or even in my mind’s eye. I would be a ruin of a human, and you don’t ever know where that can land you- hopefully not on the corner of a downtown business with a sign asking for money, but we don’t know that for sure.

I digress. I stopped to ask him what his name was, ask him a little bit about himself, and what coffee and food he’d like me to get him at the coffee shop. His initial response was ‘you don’t have to do that.’ I found that so interesting, and maybe it reminded him of the person he used to be a long time ago. His name was Scott, and I brought him his coffee, food, and an iced water. I hope he felt seen that day. It’s been about 4 months since that happened, and Scott still creeps his way into my thoughts at least once a week. I also wonder if either of those people think about me, or any other random person that I’ve chosen to show kindness to. I hope so, and I hope that it sparks some kind of joy and gives them a little motivation or excitement to choose better for themselves.

I think guilt and gratitude are something that go hand in hand, and without both, life would be unlevel. I think we do deserve the shower curtain from West Elm, and I also don’t think we should carry the weight of not being able to help everyone or save the world. I believe that when something speaks to you, it’s your heart’s way of telling you, ‘This is your tithe.’ This is your role as a human being and it’s our obligation to take pause and make someone’s day a little better, even if it’s just talking to someone or complimenting them. Reminding a teenage girl that she is better than those girls who are mean to her or helping someone feel like less of a loser by showing them that you also have a balance on your credit card- which I do for those of you who think you’re bad at finances... Me, too sister. We can both be losery, shopping losers together.

Today, or at some point this week, choose kindness. Not in that lame, played out way… ‘Choose Kindness’ bull shit, but in a way that you watch someone’s day unburden a little bit. If you’re traveling to an airport to visit family this week, look around for a mother who is traveling alone with multiple kids and ask her what her and her children want from Dunkin Doughnuts. Share with her that you were raised by a single mother and that you know how much she deserved a moment of recognition. Maybe when you’re at target tomorrow and you see someone who has a beautiful feature, remind them that you noticed and tell them how beautiful they are. Maybe do that thing at the drive through coffee line and pay $5 towards the order for the person behind you.

This week, I want to remind you to try and keep the less fortunate in the forefront of your mind and step into the helper role when that inner voice presents a situation to you. Even if you don’t have a lot to give, keep water bottles in your car and pull over to hand them out to a group of homeless people. I realize that I am putting a heavy emphasis on homeless people I this week’s blog, and that’s because we have a lot of them in my hometown. I believe that kindness breeds kindness, and that maybe happy thoughts will be in their mind and crime might drop by one person that night. Or maybe I’m just dilulu and it just makes us feel lighter to challenge ourselves to be more aware of people in need.

This week, be thoughtful. If you’re already thoughtful, do one extra thoughtful thing.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and I hope your Friday is a whole heck of a lot less chaotic than mine. As for me, I’ll be filling your black Friday orders all week in a cloud of gratitude that you make possible. Thank you for all your loyalty and I’ll see you next week’s blog with the Holiday Season in FULL swing! AAAHHH!! I love this time of year!!! Gotta go… heading to let my 10 year old pick out an overpriced flocked Christmas Tree because I think it’s somehow going to fill a void of mine from my childhood. Can I get a “AMEN” for all those moms who are doing the same? AMEN! Sisters. Amen.

Jena